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Someone to Love
~ An Inmate’s Story / C
I haven’t always felt as thought I deserved to be
someone to love. I was never the girl guys took
seriously, girls didn’t want to be my friend and I
was more “infamous” than popular. Because I
was a people pleaser with no sense of self, I
allowed other people’s opinions of me to become
my own. Having been molested from a very young age I thought every time a guy said I was pretty, I had to be “nice” to him. My mom would tell me to go with so and so and be nice, that he’d be nice to them. My mom was an addict. I forgive her today. Thought it wasn’t until 23 years later that I could. It took me that long to want to change and start to heal.
I started using weed at 8, meth at 12 and I fell in love. It was my God, my lover, my friend, my enemy – my EVERYTHING. In those 23 years I lost my childhood, my innocence, tried to kill myself at the age of 12, and was in and out of juvenile hall and was a constant runaway when not locked up. All because who I was, or so I thought, we found in $40 little baggies and a syringe. I couldn’t function in public unless I was high. It went on like that for 23 years. I’ve lost 2 sons, 2 husbands, a house and 2 businesses to my addiction. I’ve done so many things I’m not proud of that if someone told me they loved me I cut them outta my life, because I didn’t love myself. I was appalled, who were these people who didn’t know me to tell me THEY love me? I was weary of anyone who tried to get me off drugs!
I’ve been doing time since I was 9 years old, for everything from grand theft auto to prostitution – and that was before the age of 18. Been in and out of prison 5 times since 18 and finally 3 years ago some dormant part of me woke up. I was in an abusive relationship and facing the reality of giving up another baby, cause I was pregnant again. Several things went through my head, if I keep this baby he’s gonna grow up watching me get beat everyday. I would never be able to get away from my ex with his son, or I’ll eventually end up in prison for murder because he’ll hit my son and I’d kill him. So I found an adoption agency, a really great couple and did my best to get myself and my son to his birthdate alive.
I never told my ex what I was gonna to and he ended up in jail before I had my son. I tore my heart outta my chest to ensure my son’s future and I hand nothing left for anyone after that.
Fast forward to five months later. My ex gets outta jail, comes home to no baby, beats me and steals my dog as revenge. I told him I’d rather be in prison than go back with him and got arrested three days later while out looking for my dog. I was so empty and broken that I was ready. Ready to suck it up and stop being a victim and start being a survivor. I was arrested on April 27th, 2016 and on the morning of April 29th, I woke up and started my journey of being a survivor.
I have since taken every class, opportunity and suggestion given to me to better me. I’m three classes away from my Associates Degree in computers. I’ve become a certified plumber, taught a self-help class called Life 101 and received numerous certificates for classes attended. When I look in the mirror today I no longer see the girl guys don’t want to take home, or the girl with no friends. I no longer feel like I need a $40 bag and a syringe to find myself. I see a woman who is beautifully and fearfully made. A strong, intelligent, survivor of a woman. Every single hardship in my life was not for nothing but for something, because I found my passion in my trials. I have a passion to help others get to the other side of defat. I have been saved from death more times that is explainable and I know why now. I will spend the rest of my life helping others to not give up. I specifically want to work with pregnant women on drugs or homeless get it together and not to lose their baby.
It took every ounce of blind faith I had, in a power greater than me, that I barely believed in, to get where I am today. Not only have I discovered my passion and my purpose, but when I look in the mirror today, I’m so grateful to have finally become “Someone to Love.”