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Wisdom from Granddad
~ Fox Northstar
As many of you know, I am no fan of either politics or religion.
Well, I went off on politics last time, so with this trip, I go after
Worst 100 Reasons to Become a Christian of All Time
This page is practically blank, because there is no real reason to be Christian, other than the ones the Bible tells you. The thing is, if the bible is wrong, and it tells you what to believe, then what you believe is wrong. Uhh, just kidding.
The Real Reasons:
100. Everybody's doing it.
Having people tell you what to think and believe is the first step
to being a Christian.
99. Those Greco-Roman gods just don't hold out the promise they used to.
98. Christianity's the most inexpensive religion around--just ask the
Oracle at Delphi!
Except for Taoism, which doesn't require ANY tithes.
97. Jesus is going to be really pissed if you don't.
Be scared! WOoOoOoO. He's going to get you!
96. Battle of Milvian Bridge
...need we say more?
95. George Dubya Bush is one.
If the president is one, it must be good!
94. It makes you happy.
this is only true as the bible is made of weed.
93. Satan is bad.
He's evil. He lets people lead their lives the way they want to.
92. Church cleanses your soul.
After all, you could be doing much better things!
91. The Pope wears a cool hat, and he's a Christian.
You might also be able to wear one (if you're a man and a virgin).
90. There is no reason.
The decision on being a Christian is led by your faith alone. That's
why we put annoying men on almost every street corner to pass out
little copies of the New Testament.
89. When you die, you go to Heaven
What could be better than dying and ascending into the clouds where
you spend the rest of eternity hanging out with CHRISTIANS?!? I
know... An eternity of Hellfire!
88. God tells you to.
Dude, if you're hearing voices in your head, it's probably not God.
87. You get to meet new friends.
And then you can go sin up a storm together and be forgiven next week!
86. Free bread and wine.
Note - Catholics only.
85. You've got a bone to pick with Buddha.
Really, man. What did Buddha ever do to YOU?
84. To escape extradition.
Trust me, it doesn't work.
83. They serve soup
the soup is full of roofies so the pope can get ya!
82. You left a conspicuous stain on an intern's dress.
I'm talkin' to YOU, Rumsfeld!
81. You need an excuse to marry your 13- year old cousin.
It's tricky. Some churches will let you, others won't. Choose carefully.
80. You are Robert Tilton.
Sorry, Robert. It's far too late for you now. The Devil has you, and
you're not going to find any loopholes in THAT contract. Qabbassandah
79. You thought they were tolerant of gays because of the way their
music sounds on the radio.
Boy, were YOU fooled!
78. Chuck Norris is a christian, and Chuck Norris is strong and wise!
Chuck Norris is actually a worshipper of Chuck Norris, and would
totally kick The Pope's Ass.
77. You're afraid of Terrorists.
Yeah start worshipping a God they HATE! That'll help!
76. You're afraid of Christians.
They're just as afraid of you as you are of them. That's the scary part.
75. You're afraid of Burning in Hell.
Who isn't? But let me clue you in to a little secret... Hell isn't
for eternity. It actually only lasts a couple of decades, and after
that, those pussy liberal angels let you into Heaven and declare you
"rehabilitated". Think I'm joking? Go ahead, rape and murder some
people, get put to death in the electric chair, and see how long you
spend in Hell. It won't be more than fifty years. I'm serious.
74. You're dying, you know it, and you see the error of your ways.
Maybe you should've told your son you were proud of him BEFORE he
started hating you.
73. Stronghold 2 wasn't great. let's be honest and
move *BECOMECHRISTIAN*, move... on. to christiland.
72. You deciphered an ancient secret code that was hidden in some
Yeah, DaVinci was a cross-dresser. So is EVERY Pope. Even Pope Yoda.
You didn't know that? That was the big secret that the Catholic Church
was trying to suppress all those years. Silken comfort.
71. Christians are tolerant of deviant sexual practices.
Only if you're a priest, and only if they "don't know about it".
70. That commercial you saw made it seem so SEXY!
Those tight-fitting leather chastity belts... oh yeah...
69. Sixty-nining with chicks you meet in church.
Wait, that's a good reason...
68. Sixty-nining with the pastor.
Oof. Never mind.
67. Nicking cash out of the collection plate.
Fishes and loaves, baby, fishes and loaves.
66. Christians have healthy sex lives.
Hope you enjoy missionary, loser.
65. Some of the greatest minds in history were Christians.
Think of George Dubya, Hitler, and many other charismatic and outgoing people.
64. We are officially the coolest outfits ever to impersonate dull people badly
63. Forgiveness is a virtue, but tell that to japan and they'll tell
you that Jesus was a really funky man
62. This reason is essentially the lyrics to "Consider yourself" from
the musical Oliver. look it up, you atheist bitches!
61. You can murder hundreds of people, get out of jail, and then
become a priest.
60. You're a Muslim, but you think the Koran isn't quite bloody and
violent enough for you. Then, you just happen to read the Gideon
Bible in your seedy hotel room one night, and, voila!, you see the
59. You want virgins, and becoming a priest seems a lot easier than
martyring yourself in the cause of a Jihad.
58. It can't hurt when in front of the Parole Board!
57. You get your own, free, guardian angel!
Like you need another imaginary friend.
56. Your friends will only laugh at you for having 1 imaginary friend,
55. Your friends will actually laugh at you. never thought you'd hear
them laugh in your presence did ya? Poor, lonely little boy.
54. You know Pat Robertson must have made a shitload of money when he
sold his cable channel to Fox.
53. Ian Gillan of Deep Purple sang the part of Jesus on the original
Jesus Christ Superstar album!
and we all know Deep Purple kicks ass!
52. You saw Deep Throat on the Turner Classic Porno channel, googled
Linda Lovelace, and found out she became "Born Again", and you could
use a really good bj. Bad news, dumbass. She died in 2002. Even if she
were alive, she'd be pushing 60, you sick bastard. Not to mention
some pretty faulty logic to start with.
51. Republicans are cool, and they're ALL Christian.
If you actually believe Republicans are cool, then go for it.
Besides, look at all the fun Senators Craig and Foley had.
50. The power of prayer fixed your El Camino.
Truly it is a miracle! Also, the stain on the rear fender is in the
likeness of the Virgin Mary!
49. You survived the war.
What kind of a God would have let that brutal, savage bloody war
happen in the first place? I'm talkin' to YOU, C.S. Lewis!
48. You take one look at the invading White Man's God, and realize
that these bastards KILLED THEIR OWN GOD, and nailed him to a piece
of wood, and you start to get some inkling of a conception of what
kind of psychos you're dealing with here.
Sucks to be you, Coyoltzin.
47. You've been looking for someone to worship since Don Knotts' death.
46. Your wife insists you start attending church.
I think it has something to do with your accidentally leaving the
movie Caligula in the DVD player.
45. You think it will give you some of that famous latin passion.
Esse, that aint got nothin to do with my man Jesus (Hey Zeus)
44. You hate the Jews
43. You need to give your intolerant, bigoted letters-to-the-editor
that extra zing
By starting with 'As a Christian...'
42. You like the food that they serve on Sundays.
41. you think that that you are jesus christ.
40. you think you are god.
39; you think you are an angel.
38. you wanna battle demons for the fun of it.
37. you wanna battle satan for the fun of it
36. you wanna argue with people.
35. you wanna be able to live a happy life.
34. you wanna be like Creed!
33. You get to kill witches.
Also, you get to kill innocent people who are SUSPECTED of being witches!
32. That parting-the-Red-Sea scene in The Ten Commandments was badass!
31. They have cookies
30. You want a free ipod
Just follow this link
29. You want one of those cool jesus on a cross statues
28. You read this list
27. A Crusader says he'll kill you if you don't.
Screw that guy, he's probably not a real knight anyway. He's bluffing.
26. Romans persecuted and crucified Jesus, and you know how screwed up
those a-holes were!
Something you learned when you were ten years old, and your Dad left
Caligula in the VCR, and you've been kinda freaked out ever since.
25. You like to perv up old women
24. In soviet russia, christianity joins YOU!!!
23. You begged and pleaded with God that you would change your sinful
ways and pledge your life to Him right before were about to drive
head-on into a semi! Then the lightning struck the semi and instantly
incinerated it. You harmlessly drove over a pile of ash. Now ou're
fucked. Hello, God! Goodbye, fun!
22. You prayed out of desperation that your abusive, cheating,
truck-driving husband would die.
Then the Highway Patrol called to tell you your husband was
incinerated when lighting struck his gasoline- laden semi! Now you're
free to become a lesbian! Uh-oh, might want to double-check with God
on that one first.
21. Christians get buy one get one free on tesco value biscuits
20. Your mom told you to
19. You read a Jack Chick comic-book tract, and it moved you so deeply
that you saw the light.
18. The law states that if you believe in jesus, you can break the
17. You fancy your local vicar
16. Church ends with urch
in some language, that probably has a meaning
15. The jonas brothers
Didn't they write a songabout christianity, or was that jesus...?
14. They've got madeline
13. Hitler will get you if you aren't one
12. I said so
11. You believe in all that codswallop
10. Edward cullen is a chritian
9. A whole new world of hypocrisy to explore!
8. The Missionary position!
That'll keep your 230-pound wife from wanting to get on top
7. To meet people.
6. All the politicians are Christian
5. You were raised as one.
no excuse at all.
4. Kirk Cameron
When you were 13, he made you wet as Mike Seaver on Growing Pains
and now your 36 and he's a TV evangelist!
3. You're a member of NAMBLA and looking for a career that's right for you.
You read about the shortage of Catholic Priests. DING!
2. To revitalize your dying career in entertainment.
I'm talkin' to YOU, MC Hammer!
1. you know that leg you lost, back in the 'nam? yeah, the one they
couldnt fix... well let's just say I have a neurosurgeon friend
whose hands are like giant scalpels covered in butter and joy. Oh, ok,
so, well, if that doesn't get your hot young motor running, then
perhaps its best to think of them as "life...spunkers." Yes... That’s
one word that the heathens will never tarnish.